parenting - wow - long but a good read

I've copied some parts from a really long article from Michael Pearl on Parenting Boys. Wow - what great wisdom he has on this topic of parenting! It's still long, even though I cut out lots of stuff...what a great read...

• Most teenagers rebel against their parents, and when you ask them why, the usual answer is, “They don’t listen to me…they don’t care.” Parents are shocked, “When have I not listened? Anytime you had anything important to say, I listened. I never turned away from any serious discussion.” Kids don’t just come up and start talking about what is really on their minds (wives and husbands don’t either). They are always a little uncertain and want to feel you out first. They begin talking about irrelevancies to see if you’re even in a “mood” to listen. If you are, then they may get closer to the subject that is really on their minds. If you are still listening and do not interrupt them with a lecture or a cliché of “great wisdom,” they may begin talking about their problem in the third person, as if it were just idle conversation about someone else. If you are still with them—as a real friend would be—they may finally open up and get to their issue. You are accessible. You listened. You cared. But if you mostly ignore your children, turn them over to computer games, audio and visual media, telephone pals, and social events, they may continue to live in the same house, but you won’t find them on the same page. Fathers must be open doors to their sons for their very life’s sake!
• Bedroom doors are without locks, and doors are left open except to change clothes—three minutes!
• Boredom can be a killer, if not quickly detected and then properly directed. It breeds either creativity or discontentment and unthankfulness. When I see them bored, it alarms me, because their minds are adrift and looking for somewhere to land. Where will their imaginations take them? What form of stimulation will they turn to? A bored child is without direction or purpose. He is drifting around looking for someplace to focus his soul—a very dangerous condition if left unattended. I try to provide many different opportunities to engage their imaginations and energies, so I don’t have to keep up with them, but if we run out of “fun,” I create something—bicycle riding, skate boarding, building something out of wood or metal, fishing, playing sports, musical instruments, auto mechanics, lawnmower repair, home repair, cleaning house, washing dishes, grass cutting, hunting, wrestling, lifting weights, exploring the woods and creeks, boating and swimming, reading, hobbies—anything but watching TV, playing computer games, listening to music, snacking, etc.
• I have observed the fruit of the potato chip/computer chip generation—kids raised indoors on media and computers. They are a sickly, weak, and effeminate herd, milling around in their imaginations, drifting in and out of reality, afraid of the real world and unable to cope with its challenges. Parents should be ashamed of themselves for allowing their children to “hang out” with a computer. And any parent who would allow his children to have one minute of unobserved access to the web is stupid beyond belief. Yes, I think you should teach your children to use a computer. If they seek employment in any big city, their salary will likely be tied to their ability to operate complex programs. But a computer is a poor friend, a worse parent, and a soulless spouse, as many women who have husbands and sons immersed in one can testify. Media and megabits never make a man; they make shadows. If you want your sons to have substance, save them from being consumed by the glowing screen.
• Older folks sometimes use the TV for company and don’t even know what is on. But children are very impressionable - be sensitive to and think about what you're watching when kids are around.
• Many times we have written about teaching children to work. I notice that the boys love to work if it involves fellowship with adults. They hate to work if they must work alone, especially if it is a repetitive, boring job. I am the same way. Certainly life will demand that we do boring jobs, but when you are teaching children to work—to love to work—you do not want their first (early) impressions of work to be extremely unpleasant. All work is pain and must be endured for the end that it provides.
• I sometimes pay them by the job—they work harder that way but I usually pay them by the hour. The 12-year-old gets $3.00 per hour, and the 14-year-old gets $4.00 per hour. When the work is especially hard, like shoveling manure or stacking firewood, I give them a bonus if they do a good job quickly. They always have it in mind that they may get a bonus. If they work two and one half hours, I may pay them for three. I always strive to appear generous in the way I pay them. It is important to pay them immediately after work.
• Glory is another good inducement. If you brag on their work, they will work themselves into the ground to get that kind of praise. A job that others will see, like painting the garage, will put energy into their work. Fixing a lawn mower or repairing a broken door handle can elicit praise and admiration. Any praise you give them should always be earned and related with their work attitude. If they try their best and the job is poorly done, accept it as perfect. God’s grace has extended to me in measureless ways over the years!
• Artistic expression will push a man (or boy) to endure his hard work—like building a straight, white fence that he and others will enjoy viewing. Trimming a hedge, raking up leaves, and arranging the flower beds can drive one to enjoy his work. Painting your own room some exotic color that provokes admiration tends to make one forget that he is working. Some kids love to clean up old places—attics, garages, barns, etc. Others despise the job. Try to give each of them jobs that are suited to their likes. Your real goal is to raise a boy who has a will to work, who assumes it is his responsibility to provide for others, to do the dirty work, because he is THE MAN.
• You want to stretch them, to challenge them, but not to break them beneath a load they cannot yet carry. That will come soon enough. Let’s put it this way. A 3-year-old can work for maybe one minute at a time putting leaves in a basket. After that, it becomes misery. A 6-year-old can work for ten to twenty minutes doing the dishes or cleaning up the yard. A 10-year-old might be able to work alone for about one hour, but he can work with you nearly all day as long as he has several diversions and breaks along the way and can quit early enough to enjoy the promise of a swim or a special treat, plus, a little money as reward. A 13-year-old can go to work with his dad or someone else and keep at it all day—two or three days in a week, but he should not be made to work five days a week, eight hours a day. A 16-year-old can work like any man and should be so engaged. The ages and hours will obviously differ from one kid to another and from one environment to another.

I teach them and train them to:

• To enquire and investigate
• To be skeptical of all experts, from religion to medicine
• To have empathy and seek justice
• To maintain their honor in truth
• To choose a good name over riches
• To honor women and protect them
• To nurture and protect all children
• To see the humor in all of life
• To be thankful to others
• To make money without being a slave to it
• To work hard, and then play hard—in that order
• To not denigrate or ridicule any man

Just as a man’s passion for his wife (I don’t mean s*x) can be supplanted by excessive attention to work, to the computer, to pornography, to sports, to hobbies, or all of life’s responsibilities put together, so can a father’s passion be distracted from his high-calling as a father if he makes choices that will freeze out his intensity for his children. It is true that the person makes the choices, but the choices also make the person. You will give attention to that which you love, but it is also an axiom that, you will come to love and feel passionate about that to which you give your full attention.

To put it plainly: If you had a proper upbringing and your heart is in the right place, you will be passionate about your children without anybody telling you to do so. But the reality is that most of us had parents like ourselves. When you add to the equation the fact that we are all inclined to selfishness, our children suffer from our deficiencies. However, although you may have come to the unsatisfactory place where you now find yourself, in part, through unfortunate circumstances, and in part, due to your own bad choices, your future need not be enslaved to your past! But it will if you remain indifferent, and in your present state of inertia! You can change your heart by changing your actions. You can change your priorities by prioritizing your schedule.